It may seem complicated, but I’m convinced it’s not.
While I’m not religious, I have massive respect for something that Carl Buehner said about people “They may forget what you said—but they will never forget how you made them feel.“
When someone needs you and you are there to support, love thrives.
When someone needs you and you are not there, at best love turns to apathy. At worst, resentment grows in its place.
It really isn’t any more complicated than that.
Deep bonds form when consistent support and attention is given.
Lasting love is just about reliably showing interest in each other.
It’s true – check the research on “bids“. In a pretty big study, the strongest indicator of relationship success was how often couples responded to each other.
Be responsive and caring and your partner will feel loved and you’ll be good. Don’t be responsive and your partner will feel rejected, accumulate ever more negative associations with you, and the relationship will become damaged. Leave it long enough and the damage becomes irreparable.
It’s just how it works.
At least in my experience it that’s how it seems to work.
I’ve been on a few sides – being rejected and then finding someone else and not remembering or caring anymore, rejecting someone after years of feeling underappreciated and just giving up, trying to move forward with hope when there was damage in the relationship, and rejecting people who loved me, knowing that if I did it long enough, they’d eventually figure it was for the best (there’s some interesting psychology about this).
In every one of my failed relationships, it was either a lack of me giving attention, or a lack of receiving attention that caused the real issues, despite any surface level stuff.
So, if you’ve found someone you enjoy being with and mesh with, by all means continue to invest in your life by doing your thing, but make sure they feel validated and supported. If they are in need of your attention, give it.
That’s it.
Other stuff can be worked on and figured out. Showing you care is non-negotiable and will ensure the relationship lasts.