Last night, on what has got to go down as one of my least successful “dates“, I asked the woman across from me “Do you believe in true love?”

Actually, I can’t even quite call it a date – that would be too generous… More like a well intentioned friend-zoning.

Anyhow, her response was “I want to believe in true love.“

I hear a lot in conversations these days about the power of belief. Part of the science of positivity fad I suppose. This kind of stuff seems to have has been floating around in the mainstream at least since “The Secret” hit the shelves. I haven’t read it, but from what I gather, the premise is that if you truly believe it, it will happen. Send out intention through vibes, and those vibes come back. Seems kinda like praying and having faith in god.

I don’t think many of us in the west can really think that would happen. I mean, we’re pretty skeptical as a culture about the whole god thing already. But, then again, I’m pretty sure many of us agree with the idea that if you think you’ll fail, then you already have. I base these beliefs off my own completely unchecked and unverified sense of the situation.

It’s obviously better to believe that you can do something before you do it. Do something with certainty and confidence and your chances of realizing that dream skyrocket. They certainly aren’t guaranteed, but most things are within reach if we really want them and are willing to believe in ourselves and work for them. Everyone knows that, right?

That’s great. But how the fuck do you suddenly just believe things about yourself and life? Especially in an area where you’ve failed before and don’t have a sense of confidence and competence? How can you believe something when the evidence runs counter?

Well, Imma tell you how now.

First, you need to have a thought about how you want to be and feel. Do some blueprinting and planning about who you want to be based on where you are now and what you think you want at the moment.

Next, you need to believe that thought.

To believe it, You need to prove it to yourself.

Prove it to yourself so strongly, that the part of you that doesn’t believe it van’t help but to feel it’s made a mistake. Keep proving it to yourself until any thought that is born in your mind that doubts it feels so stupid that it goes back to it’s home in the brain and cries itself to sleep in agonizing self-hatred for being such a stupid thought. Prove it until that thought understands it has no purpose or meaning and kills itself in a tragic and tear-jerking moment of utter despair.

Just like building biceps in the gym, you’re going to have to go out, test your maximum, and then keep pushing it until you fail, take a rest, and then push again. And do this again and again. The more you do build it, the stronger that belief will get. Some people will be naturally quicker and better at this, but anyone can do it. It’s just a matter of how much energy it will take.

Once it hits a certain point, it will become a conviction. An unquestionable truth about yourself. It will become a part of your identity.

This is one of the main tasks one has in life (according to me, in my infinite wisdom).

It doesn’t take much effort to look around any western city and see least a large swath of people, if not the majority, that seem to believe that their talents and identity are the result just a natural of how they are. Like it’s some kind of pre-determined result of genetics and upbringing and life.

And so they go, allowing the world to shape their beliefs and identity for them. Which is fine I suppose. It seems tons of people are happy enough with this.

And, to be honest, change is a fuck-tonne of work, so why bother if auto-pilot worked out for you? (btw – notice the metric in the “fuck-tonne”? That’s because I’m Canadian 😉 ) Same goes for those few lucky souls who just drink, smoke, stay out late, eat whatever they want, don’t exercise and somehow look and feel super healthy. If you don’t have a need or desire, why bother?

But, what about the people who are struggling. Who hate themselves and their lives, who live in fear and pain?

Well, there is a path. It’ll take longer than you want it to and be harder than you expect, but it is possible. Go read a bunch of books about positivity, watch some TED talks on the subject. Things like focusing on the positive, practicing gratitude, etc are like supplements when in the gym. They are tools to help you get to your destination faster and easier.

You still need to work out though.

So, about the girl who friend-zoned me? Well, I can’t help but think regardless of who she ends up with in the end, if she doesn’t go in at the beginning with the belief that true love is possible, then any relationship she starts is destined to fail for her in the end. And, in order to do that, she herself needs to feel true love for someone in order to prove to herself it exists.