While there are many things that contribute to your level of self-esteem, integrity is the one I want to focus on.

Integrity is built by the consistent alignment between one’s values and actions.

Note: this idea is lifted from The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. You can find it here.

Why is this Important?

If you manage to have a very strong alignment between what your values actually, truly are and how you act, then it’s pretty hard to feel negative. Criticism stings and hurts, leads to guilt, or even anger when we know there is truth to it, but it slides off of backs easily if we know it’s ridiculous. When we know that we are good and honest down to our core, we have nothing to fear.

Now there are cases when our doubt and fear is based on warped and untrue thoughts – I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I’m useless, etc. But, let’s face the fact that often there is some truth to them too. I want to talk about the times when our self-esteem falls because we actually take action that we shouldn’t.

An explanation and example

We will become suspicious of another person if their actions seem inconsistent with either each other or with what their words describe.

We will similarly lose trust in ourselves if our own actions are inconsistent with our values. This will occur either consciously or subconsciously.

For example, if one values health and fitness, yet often eats unhealthy foods and to excersize, then he will start to question his value.

Likely he will feel ashamed, he will view himself poorly. He will question his value and may begin to believe something like “I’m just not that healthy”, “I’m not disciplined enough”, or “I just don’t care”

This scenario will have the effect of diminishing one’s self-esteem.

Notice that it’s the link between values and behaviors that’s important here. This is true regardless of any emotions present at the time action takes place. Depending on the action and the value, the self-esteem building behaviour may be either following the emotional urge, or fighting the emotional urge.

So, how to build and maintain integrity that will in turn support high self-esteem?

Do the work to follow these steps:

1) know your values

2) follow this model for how to spend your energy:

• If you feel a desire to do something that supports your values: do it as well as you can.
• If you feel a desire to do something that contradicts your values: fight as hard as you can not to do it.
• If you feel a desire to not do something that supports your values: fight to motivate yourself to do it.
• If you feel a desire to not do something that contradicts your values: easy, just don’t do it.

The more energy you can use struggling to support your values, the more integrity you’ll have. The more integrity you have, the healthier your self-esteem. The healthier your self-esteem, the more successful, more content, and more healthy you’ll be.

Makes sense, right?

This is really just another way of saying “it’s about the journey, not the goal.” It doesn’t matter so much what you achieve, what matters is how you achieved it. Did your personal stories include moments of sacrifice, struggle, and standing by your morals and values? Or did it include deception, manipulation, shortcuts, and letting your values and morals slip?

We all know – the reward never justifies the price when we make a deal with the devil, but what we don’t always realize is that the devil is ourselves and he is very good at making us believe his path is actually OK.