On identity and depression

On identity and depression

Having a strong identity is a key to confidence and happiness. If you know yourself and are happy with who you are, you’re all good.

In my current experience, I can say that coming out of depression is made especially difficult because you aren’t quite sure who you are.

Are you still the extroverted, happy, outgoing, positive guy who loved meeting people, taking risks, working towards goals and experiencing life you were before?

Have you changed? Are you now a quiet, serious, somewhat dark guy who doesn’t really want do much except for sit in bed and read or get lost in brooding and staring into space?

Are you just in a transition phase and bound to become someone completely different one day?

It’s really difficult to answer questions about what you want in life, what you enjoy, who you want to be with, and what kind of a future you’re building when all you want to do is crawl into a quiet and dark hole, lie down, and rest peacefully.

Forget feeling happy again – it’s been so long that I can’t even remember what that feels like. All I want is the sadness, guilt, shame, fear, and anger to quiet down.

But when it does, who will I be? What will I enjoy?

I feel like life is like a cup and our memories and habits are water being poured in. At some point my glass shattered and the water mostly spilled out… Even if the cup is fixed, I need to find water – clean water – to refill it.

And so for now I’m kind of just wandering. Hoping to come across things that will inspire me and make me happy – friends, lovers, interests, goals, passions.